“Diane, Stardate 3.14159…”

Audiobooks were an essential component of long car rides with the family in the mid to late 1990’s. John Grisham was generally first choice because we watched a lot of courtroom dramas together, especially LA Law and Reasonable Doubts. Tony Hillerman was the close second because we were living in New Mexico and his stories were set in and around the area, so that was a nice touch. Other cures for boredom included Douglas Adams with The Long Dark Tea-time of the Soul, Tom Clancy’s Op Center, and Childhood’s End by Arthur C. Clarke. On the whole, we kept it pretty eclectic.

These were on cassette, and were typically abridged to fit a roughly 6-8 hour length. You’d need a lot of cassettes for an unabridged version and books on audio CD’s weren’t especially common at that point. After all, carmakers weren’t going to replace their tape decks until the electronics companies worked out better anti-skip protections in their portable players, thereby relieving any worries of playback in cars going down bumpy or unfinished roads.

Sidenote before we go on about audiobooks: You know what my most and least favorite form of optical media is? The MP3-CD. On the one hand, this was the best of both worlds, maximizing an already amazing level of storage capacity by replacing the AIFF audio files with MP3’s, allowing several hours worth of reasonable quality audio instead of roughly one. On the other hand, this was hands-down the hardest thing to explain to people when I worked at Target in 1998. People would see MP3-compatible CD players and think, “Oh! It’s a CD Player with an MP3 player attached to it so I can use one or the other.” And you’d have to explain to them that you put the MP3 files on the CD’s and that’s how you play it back. Some people got downright angry when you explained this to them, accusing you of giving them attitude when all you’re trying to do is save them from disappointment and a return trip to the store for a refund. Recordable CD’s were also fairly new face at this time, so you’re essentially explaining two technologies at once. Some audiobook publishers did have the foresight to put their books on MP3-CD’s since spoken word doesn’t suffer that much quality loss in the compression of an MP3 file, but overall this was a very rare sight that sold poorly, likely for all the reasons I just outlined.

Audible is one of the best services Amazon has on offer, and I say that without any sort of irony or snark. Digital rights issues aside (do you own it or are you renting it, etc.), this allowed for fully unabridged audiobooks to be appreciated in a format that wasn’t prone to all the weaknesses of CD’s or cassettes. It’s opened a floodgate for content that would otherwise have to deal with the logistics of publishing their stories to physical media and then distributing them nationwide to bookstores, among other issues that can lead to works not finding the audiences they deserve.

For example, one of the first titles I came across on Audible wasn’t so much a book as much as it was a kind of brochure for a game. It’s called Til Morning’s Light: The Private Blog of Erica Page. It’s written by Ross Berger, narrated by Stephanie Sheh, and has a total runtime of 35 minutes. Between the length and promotional aspect, there was no asking price, so it kind of seemed like a no-brainer for trying out this new platform. As the title implies, it’s told from a first person perspective in the style of a blog, a modern take on epistolary literature. The game it serves as a prequel to is developed by WayForward Technologies (a seasoned developer/publisher known for franchises such as Shantae and Mighty Switch Force) and was originally an exclusive launch title for the ill-fated FirePhone. It would eventually be released to the iPhone before ultimately being delisted a short time later. I never got a chance to try it, so I can’t comment on it or how the “audiolog” ties into the narrative. This was released in 2014, so it’s led me to wonder how this would have been available were it not for Audible, if it had been released earlier. 35 minutes is a very short time to put on a cassette and sell in, say, game stores as part of a pre-order for the game. Would it even be worth the expense for the publisher in the first place? Chances are, it would have simply been a website, no audio narration whatsoever. Had it been released for something like the original Playstation, the game’s CD would have been playable on a standard audio CD player, provided you skipped the first track (which was the game data), something a lot of people wouldn’t have known to do in the first place (see Sidenote).

That said, something like this did come out on physical media, all the way back in 1990, and has also been made available today through Audible for a reasonable price.

“Diane…”: The Twin Peaks Tapes of Agent Cooper was originally released on audiocassette to coincide with the David Lynch and Mark Frost television series Twin Peaks, which ran for two seasons from 1990 through 1991. This was followed by a prequel movie, Fire Walk With Me, in 1992, and was eventually revived for a third season in 2017 for Showtime. There’s also been a number of books related to the series, including The Secret Diary of Laura Palmer, written by David Lynch’s daughter Jennifer Lynch. It was released around the same time as “Diane”, written by Scott Frost, and they do share some DNA in that both are epistolary works, much like Til Morning’s Light.

“Diane” has a total runtime of about 45 minutes, which would make it about the length of a typical music album on cassette or CD. I have no record of how much it cost upon release, but it’s reasonable to assume it was competitive with albums of the time, maybe between 10 and 15 USD. On Audible, I got it for less than 4. What makes “Diane” interesting is how it was produced. Throughout the TV series, FBI Agent Dale Cooper (played by Kyle MacLachlan) talks into a micro cassette recorder about the details of his case before the tapes are sent off to his secretary Diane Evans (who is never seen nor directly heard from) back at the Bureau’s Pittsburgh office. “Diane” contains these clips from the TV show (with the background music and even most sound effects removed) along with new entries recorded by MacLachlan himself. There’s a notable difference in audio quality between what’s clearly recorded in a studio and what’s lifted from the audio tracks of the television series. Some diligent fans have made YouTube videos of “Diane” synced up with the original scenes when applicable and stills for the “new” recordings.

I should mention in the interest of full disclosure that I did not watch Twin Peaks when it came out, mostly because I was 9 years old at the time and shows like Tiny Toon Adventures and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles occupied most of my television consumption. At best, I have the vaguest whispers of memories of people talking about how weird the show was, but I wouldn’t learn more of it until many years later when reviews and retrospectives of horror games like Silent Hill would make frequent references to the show. The 2010 horror game Deadly Premonition is practically an interactive adaptation of the series, borrowing many themes, plot points, and imagery from the show. I wouldn’t actually get to watch the show proper until only a few years ago, I think shortly before the Showtime revival in 2017. Those first two seasons and, as of just today, Fire Walk With Me are all I’ve seen. The third season is on a very long to-do list I may never get to. My overall impression of the show is that it’s worth watching, but if it doesn’t grip you in the pilot, no one’s going to hold it against you if you don’t bother with it.

It’s one of those works of media whose influence has come to overshadow it, to the point that someone new to the series in this modern world would probably wonder what all the hype was about. Lynch and Frost are unique voices, and I’m hard-pressed to think of a show that matches its off-beat quirks and idiosyncrasies, but in other areas such as tone and subject matter, the show has been surpassed by other police and forensic procedurals or courtroom and medical dramas. It pushed the envelope, but others have pushed it further since then. I’m not saying any of this to knock it. Though I do have some issues with the show I’ll expound upon another time, it’s deserving of respect and appreciation for what it is and what it led to in terms of the medium of television.

As for “Diane” it’s an odd duck, its very existence rather enigmatic. Between its brevity and fragmented presentation, it doesn’t really offer much substance as a piece of ancillary media. To be fair, it would be pretty tacky if it merely summarized the story arc of season 1, that being the murder of Laura Palmer, in a mere 45 minutes with a few name drops and a little more background on Cooper’s character. It would also be very easy to simply dismiss it as a quick cash grab, but it’s got too much effort behind it for that. A cash grab would have only compiled the recordings from the show and not bothered with the studio portions. Still, it’s overall a very unsatisfying little experience. Maybe it could have done with a part two. The tape only covers roughly the first season (leaving us just before the big reveal), and as the second season got underway, the narrative device of Cooper’s tape recorded messages to Diane played a smaller role. In all likelihood, there wasn’t enough interest by that time to give such a project a second go around.

Kyle MacLachlan would receive a Grammy nomination for “Diane” in the Spoken Word category, along with John F. Kennedy Jr., Jimmy Stewart, Garrison Keillor, and George Burns, with Burns winning for Gracie: A Love story, his biography of his late wife, Gracie Allen. Not a bad lineup to be a part of. 

Afterword: I wrote some months ago about how Douglas Adams’ radio series The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Future was not available through the BBC’s website anymore. I learned today while browsing Audible for Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul that the Future radio series is available there along with an addendum entitled, “Did Douglas Get It Right?”.

Fear is the Mind-Killer, Mediocrity the Brain Cell-Killer

Disclaimer: like all of my other trailer impressions (which I keep telling myself I'm not going to do anymore), they are only impressions. None of what I'm about to say comes from any sort of insider knowledge and certainly not any kind of advanced screening, much as I wish I carried that kind of clout. It's entirely possible the final film will differ from the trailer and alleviate the concerns I have about it. That said, one of the reasons I started doing more trailer analyses is because I like to work under the premise that a trailer is a movie's first impression, and like in any first impression, you should put your best foot forward. You can call my bluff without showing your hand. When a trailer gives an impression of a movie that turns out to be different than what's on screen come the debut, I feel it's valid grounds for criticism. It's a fine line between piquing my interest and lowering my expectations. 

The trailer for the new version of Dune dropped a few days ago. I've watched it, and my reaction is, "It looks fine." Were I to be pressed for additional adjectives, the most affirmatively I could answer is "Adequate" with alternatives and/or additions consisting of "Competent." I hate to use a term like "Unnecessary" because as Oscar Wilde taught us, all art is fundamentally useless and that's the point. Art should never have to be defended and it certainly should never have to defend its own right to exist. It looks like someone split the difference between the David Lynch take and the Sci-Fi Channel miniseries (from the before time, back when they could spell). Unfortunately, in splitting the difference, the whole seems to have become less than the sum of its parts. Gone is the wonderfully mesmerizing mastery of color and light from the miniseries, traded in for a dull array of grays and browns even in what looks like midday with a clear sky. The cast seems closer to the David Lynch film in terms of star power and potential to play it larger-than-life, but they are notably understated in delivery, almost tired. Also, raise your hand if you thought Jason Mamoa was playing Gurney instead of Duncan. 

It's all very minimalist, which is where Denis Villenueve shines, but just like Dune 2020 and its earlier iterations of 20 and (good grief) 36 years ago, he seems at odds with his own sensibilities. I've seen two of his movies, Arrival and Blade Runner 2049. I adored Arrival and think it's one of the best thinking man's science fiction films since Under the Skin or The Europa Report. By contrast, I couldn't tell you a damn thing that happened in Blade Runner 2049 except some above average visuals that you can recreate at home. Simply watch the new Dune trailer, but hold up any and every piece of colored glass you can find, swapping them with every new scene. I've got a similar trick for James Cameron movies involving a strobe light and cobalt glass, but we're getting off-topic. 

Here's the complicated relationship I've had with the works of Frank Herbert: I never got into the books, and it's for the same reason I don't actually hold the past adaptations in higher regard beyond technical achievements. The WORLD of Dune, the setting, the lore, the cultures, and the history is all monumentally fascinating. The STORY of Dune, as in the one story that's now essentially been told 3 times (4 including the first book), is painfully dull. At its core, the story of the Atreides and the Harkonnen is a mafia revenge movie set in space and with gently messianic religiosity because that's how science fantasy/planetary romance rolls.

If I were in a more cynical mood, I could make an infographic drawing lines of comparison between Dune and Get Shorty since The Godfather is too obvious. Just pretend John Travolta is House Atreides and Dennis Farina is House Harkonnen, Hollywood is Arrakis, Gene Hackman is a Mentat, Danny DeVito and Rene Russo are Fremen... Okay, I'm not pretending it's without its stretches, but even this mental exercise isn't meant to knock it. It is by will alone I set my mind in motion, and my thoughts have acquired a lot of speed. Out, out, damn lip stains!

The best versions of any stories are the ones that make me not care about how many times or ways I've heard it before. It's not diminishing it to say it all comes down to the neat little package you doll up your plot with. That's how mythical worlds have worked from the cave painting we used to symbolize the word go. 

Excalibur is your father's lightsaber is my Gom Jabbar in a Weirding sort of Way that surrounds us, penetrates us, and in the darkness binds us.

There is no one story, and it is all the same story, 36 plots all asking, "Who am I?" It may all be tales told by idiots, full of sound and fury signifying nothing, but I can't stand the silence and I think all of you feel the same way. I'm not being any sort of iconoclast when I offer the following advice to those poor players who strut and fret their hour upon the stage. When you hold all that hostage for the sake of that one story, you're doing it wrong. You've gone from putting the cart before the horse to putting the cart on the horse's back and then kicking it impatiently when it can't get up because you put a damn cart on it. Also, the cart is full of vegetables and the horse is named Just Desserts because Ben & Jerry got out of the horse racing business after the Jolly Green Giant bought them out. 

Speaking of bad business dealings nobody wins from, let's talk about Spider-Man. 

• Bitten by a radioactive spider, 
• misused his powers at first resulting in the death of Uncle Ben, 
• now fights out of a renewed sense of personal responsibility. 

Even if you never picked up an issue of the series or watched any of the near-endless cartoon adaptations, we've had at least 3 cinematic versions of Peter Parker by 3 completely different actors, helmed by 3 completely different directors, and all under the supervision of 2-ish production companies that sort of get along except when they don't and Civil War has to be re-written at the last minute and he's not really Spider-Man more like Iron Man Jr. because marketing guys don't know asses from elbows, among other problems. Regardless of these rocky starts and repeated reboots/retoolings/reworkings/reanimations, by the time we got to Into the Spider-Verse, that initial setup, that origin story, was practically a running gag.

The shorter version of what I just described goes like this: We had to endure 5 garbage Transformers movies before we got Bumblebee. 

For as much as the two visual adaptations of Dune thus far differ and how closely they do or do not adhere to the source material, the overall beats of  

• Loverboy Meets Spice Girls, 
• Loverboy Loses Spice Girls, 
• Loverboy Gets Spice Girls Back by declaring war on an intergalactic empire while riding giant sandworms and blasting TOTO from a boombox over his head. 

are all still present and accounted for in this New Kid on the Block and it's all so NSync with itself I crave a Social Distortion. This should not be old hat by now. I should not be bored by Sand People upgrading their Banthas to steroid-infused Sarlaccs to take down Sandcrawlers and Jedi Masters who can Force-choke space itself. Look, I get this is all new for some people, that not everyone absorbs, dissects, and compartmentalizes operas of the outer space persuasion the way I do, but that's not my issue here. My issue is that we keep hitting the reset button and assuming it's a form of time travel had it been invented by Big Brother. Couple this with the fact Frank Herbert by his own admission wrote Dune to be Sci-Fi that was as light on the Sci-side of things as possible to make it more approachable and accessible, and you can see why I'm nowhere near as excited for a third adaptation as I probably should be.

I don't want The Dunefather for the 3rd time.
I want Rogue Dune... Atreidebee... Into the Foldverse... The Fremenorian... Okay, I'm done. 

I also want House Ordos. I couldn't begin to tell you who they are in Get Shorty. Might have to bring Be Cool into the mix.