Motivation

I've been having a lot of motivation problems of late. It's obviously shown itself in how neglected this weblog has become. I've got a number of unfinished drafts that I've attempted to tackle over the past several months, but I've given up on trying to finish them. January saw a change in my medications to coincide with a new diagnosis of Mania instead of Moderate Depression. My current mood stabilizer is doing a good job of helping me sleep, which was important. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem to be helping to stabilize my mood, so I'm going to have to try something different. I'm irritable, impatient, stressed, and my down spells are becoming longer and more frequent. When I try to be productive (especially at work), I get overwhelmed and mentally exhausted. If I'm not productive, I get anxious. While my visits to my counselor have also helped tremendously, it's not a full solution unto itself. Because of the time taken off of work, I made the mistake of setting my next appointment further out than I normally do. 

    Work has been a particularly large source of stress as there's been a change in our hierarchy and how things get done. It's put a lot of things in uncertain positions, and that's unsettling. It also doesn't help that I'm not at work right now and there's a lot I want to get done. I'm not at work because I'm at home, and I'm at home because just yesterday I tested positive for COVID-19. Over 2 years of hide-and-seek with this bastard strand of RNA and I finally lost. I suppose it was inevitable, and I'm beyond glad it's happened after I've been fully vaccinated and even boosted. My symptoms are persistent, but overall mild. Company policy requires me to isolate for 5 days, which means I'm off until Monday. 

    Discovery of my COVID status after a follow-up appointment over a small medical emergency I had at the start of the month. In the late evening, I began to experience unbearable lower back pain that did not go away. There was no position that alleviated the discomfort and eventually I realized I was going to have to go to the hospital. I was shaking so much I couldn't drive. Whether said shakes were from the pain or the fear that this may have been a sign of something worse, it was very hard to tell. A CT scan revealed a kidney stone measuring 2mm x 8mm had formed in my left kidney and was about 75% of the way down to my bladder. I was given painkillers and a medication meant to relax the ureter where the stone was lodged. This follow-up appointment was an attempt to see if I had passed the stone or not. Once a stone is in the bladder, there's not a lot that can be done for it. If one is still lodged in the ureter, this requires surgery. Fortunately, my X-Ray was clear. 

    This is the part where I say my medical scare was the kick in the pants I needed and started being more productive outside of work because my clean bill of health was a new lease on life and... No. There is nothing of the sort here. My vain hope is that by posting this, it will actually motivate me to write more so I can effectively bury this entry and I won't have to think about it anymore. It reminds of something YouTuber Wheezywaiter said about when he feels as if a video he's made is not up to snuff. His solution, he says, is to make more content, not less. I guess if you're worried about quality, shift your focus to quantity and see what happens. 

Goodnight, and good luck.